I was in love.

I was in love. I was in love for 2 and a half years with someone who I’ve never met before. Someone who I’ve never laid my hands on, someone who I’ve only ever looked into their eyes through a cracked phone screen. Seems surreal, but I know I was in love.

Two and a half years of my life I devoted all of my time and effort into one person who didn’t feel the same way. Endless nights we would talk until 5 am about anything, EVERYTHING. I grew attached, this boy took over my life, made all of my decisions for me, from 13 hours away, and he didn’t even know it. He was completely oblivious to the idea that I was madly in love with him and couldn’t handle myself unless I spent every second of every day speaking to him.

When I wasn’t speaking TO him, I was definitely speaking ABOUT him. My friends would only every hear me talk about him. Nothing else. No one else. Just him. I was so happy when I spoke to him, until I finally told him how I felt.

I told him how I felt. Finally. It took everything I had to tell him this, only to get a response along the lines of “I love you too, but not like that” or “I love you too, but I don’t want anything like that.” I gave everything I had to tell him, only for everything to be given back to me, but torn up and shredded to pieces. I was hurt. I was so so hurt.

I told him I loved him about 4 more times, I said the same thing each time. He would always tell me he loved me too, but the distance was too much to handle. But tell me why he had two long relationships, that were both in fact long distance. He claimed to love them. Was our love not worth the distance? Was I not worth the distance? What was it?

It took me a year to get over him. I would spend nights crying to my friends about how heartbroken I was, how much I didn’t want to live, how much I hated this boy for letting me love him. I loved him so much that I fucking hated it. Love is a beautiful thing, you shouldn’t hate loving. But I had so much hatred in my heart for love. The worst thing ever.

I am over it, now. But that whole experience effected how I live now. I am scared, I keep looking for pieces of him in everyone else. I don’t want to love, I don’t want to go through what once harmed me so much to the point where I couldn’t even get out of bed until he texted me back. I don’t want to suffer as much as I did.

Falling in love made me hate love.

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