What Stovetops can Teach us about the Pain of Breakups

Have you ever touched a hot stove? I haven’t, personally. But a lot of people I know have. When I’ve inquired into the experience they’ve reported to me that when they touched the hot stove, it was instinctual to take their hand away from it.

That seems like a normal reaction by my understanding. I believe it would actually be kind of silly to keep your hand pressed on the stove, especially because you know it’s what’s causing the pain.

After countless hours of research, gathered from different data sources, I’ve finally created a formula that can give us insight into the process of how the pain response system works:

This formula describes the process by which the body is able to maintain a more-or-less consistent state of wellness. When pain is encountered, there is an impulse to let go of what hurts. When that impulse is allowed to flow through uninhibited, we return to physical wellness. It’s an effective mechanism for keeping us safe and feeling great.

What’s important to note here is that we can actually resist this impulse. Imagine if we believed the feeling of pain meant to squeeze harder. That would be really crazy! Every time we touched a stove we could grab on to it as hard as we could, making ourselves feel even more pain!

When I was 19, I went through a breakup that was hell. I was crying myself to sleep every night for six months. I felt absolutely consumed by darkness, sadness, loneliness, and guilt.

My relationship with this girl — the one thing that ever brought me true happiness — was taken away from me! And I was left alone… with all the guilt, paying for what I did, contemplating what I could have done differently.

“How stupid can you be!?” I told myself.

Being in that dark place sucked so much. I could probably write about it for days, but that’s not the point here. We’re here to investigate how that relates to stoves.

So I was under the impression that I was being punished for what I did that lead me to the situation I was in. I thought I felt terrible because of the situation. It only makes sense that breakups suck right?

Turns out that was just a load of bullsh*t!

Despite the fact that I genuinely felt consumed by darkness, what I couldn’t see at the time, was that all the terrible feelings I was feeling were coming happening because I was caught-up in guilty, judgmental, and sad thoughts. When thoughts occupy our mind, they feel so real that we get lost in them, just like a dream… It’s totally normal.

It’s also normal to let go of them when we realize it’s only thought!

After close investigation, a new formula emerged for me. One that applies to emotional pain just like physical pain!

As we can see by this formula, even though it seems in the moment that our upsetting feelings are coming from our situation and circumstances, the pain actually comes directly from the painful thought we’re thinking!

It’s just that those trains of thought feel like situations — like reality — but only while we’re thinking them!

It’s as if every thought is a little virtual reality helmet you put on yourself. And you’re like, “this reality sucks.” And then you feel stuck in it. But it’s not reality, it’s just a friggin’ thought! You’re just using that amazing creative potential of yours, that freedom of thought, to think up all sorts of painful stuff! All you gotta do is stop doing that and you’ll feel at peace again.

You’re not stuck in any reality, you can change your experience through a change in thought!

Through self-observation of the body, I’ve noticed that when I’m not holding my breath my body actually breathes me for me. I don’t need to worry about that. The body has its own intelligence. It beats your heart, it breathes you, it makes sure you know when it’s time to pee, etc.

The mind has an intelligence of its own too! When you stop digging into those thoughts, there’s room for that intelligence to take it over and guide your back to a feeling of wellness. No technique required!

When you’re not enforcing your own made-up guilty painful lonely thoughts on top of this deeper intelligence, it’s able to think you for you and gently restore your peace of mind.

It’s kind of like when you get into a car accident and the paramedics tell you to stay still while they extract you. “Don’t worry — you’re being saved!” they say. The only thing you need to do is not fight them or grab on to the car as they pull you from the wreckage.

But that’s exactly what we’re taught to do with our emotions. We’re taught that a really intense negative feeling means the thought that’s passing through our mind at that moment is really important and we really need to dig into it. It’s the opposite!

Don’t believe me? See for yourself! What happens when you actually let your mind settle, give up those painful guilty thoughts that hurt you, don’t you feel a sense of peace? Isn’t there suddenly space for new thoughts and feelings arise out of nothing? That’s you allowing your natural innate mental health to take over! That’s you falling back into the effortless flow of who you really are!

When I saw that it was just thought, guess what feeling I found underneath those pesky thoughts: the happiness I thought was taken from me! What a joke! It was right here the whole time, underneath the dream of thought I was caught up in.

I created a poem for those who resonate more with poetry than math formulas:

❤

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